Remember back when our rock stars were musicians and our chefs were fat guys with alcohol problems and a heavy smoker’s hack who hung out with the waitresses behind the grease disposal while you waited for your fish stick and pineapple entrée? Life was so much easier then.
Rock stars were all that and chefs knew their place (ahem, in the kitchen). This was mostly because food sucked so bad and music was awesome. Now, music is questionable and hip foodies have made chefs the new rock stars.
We here at The 145 want to help you navigate this new ocean of cultural confusion, so with that desire to be helpful in mind, here is our exclusive Handy Guide to Rock Star Chefs (and the Rock Stars They Replaced).
* * *
Let’s start out with the obvious…You will never see Insane Clown Posse open for Smashmouth at a show hosted by Guy Fieri. Or will you?
Okay, let’s get serious. Erudite, slightly menacing, and a New Yawk acquired taste, Anthony Bourdain has replaced Lou Reed.
Mario Bateli has grabbed the mantle of rustic anachronism spiced with an uncomfortable sexuality from Jethro Tull.
You want cute and cuddly packed with talent and a complete and total lack of danger? Of course you do, that’s why Jamie Oliver has replaced Peter Frampton.
Elton John is the consummate showman with chops to back him up. Graham Elliot is a culinary showman who cooks chops.
Bam! Emeril LaGasse handles all of our Night Tripping and Crescent City Voodoo, allowing Dr. John to retire comfortably to Manhattan.
Brooding and scruffy. Marco Pierre White is Jim Morrison’s tortured doppelganger. Waiter, there’s a cigarette butt in my bouillon.
What culture doesn’t need scary, icy Teutonic uber-craftsmen to make us all feel inferior and unworthy? Hence, Wolfgang Puck and Kraftwerk.
Both of these guys got super-popular for all the wrong reasons. Billy Idol was the punk rocker your mom wanted to take you to see in concert, and Gordon Ramsey took brusque posturing and smashed salmon filets to a whole new, disturbing, yet mom-approved level.
What culture would be complete without a cuddly coquettish darling with a bad reputation? Linda Ronstadt, meet Rachel Ray.
And finally, the Rock Stars we love to hate but would have had to invent if they didn’t exist…
You’re welcome world.